Jokes

[Heineken]

Is there an area on this site for jokes? Clean ones of course. Ha. Ha.

[Springthing]

There has been a few in this forum. I say have at it!

Btw...did you hear about the two goldfish in a tank? One turns to the other and says "Hey, do you even know how to drive this thing?"

Just picked this one up:

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

[Doberman]

There has been a few in this forum. I say have at it!

Btw...did you hear about the two goldfish in a tank? One turns to the other and says "Hey, do you even know how to drive this thing?"

Just picked this one up:

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."


GOOD ONE!! I could actually see that happening :lol:

[garagegoon]

Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven.
At the gate, St Peter tells Henry Ford: "Well, you've been such a good guy, invented the car, changed the world. As a reward you can hang out with anybody in Heaven of your choice."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: "I would like to hang out with God himself?"
So St Peter takes him directly to God's thrown and Henry Ford starts by saying: "God, I don't want to sound biased, but you have some major design flaws in Your invention, the Woman.
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much
4. The intake is too close to the exhaust."
"MMMMM" says God and goes over to the Celestial Super Computer, types in a few key strokes, and waits for the results.
He then turns to Henry Ford and says; "It may be that My invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer more men are riding My invention then your's". :lol:

[garagegoon]

:happy: A Texan man was talking big in a bar one night about how much money he had, how many women he had been with, and how much land he owned.
A young man growing tired of all the big talk finally asked the Texan; "Just how much land do you own?"
The Texan tipped back he's Cowboy hat and said to the young man: "Well sunny let me put it to you like this, I can get into my pickup at sunrise, drive all day long, skip lunch, and still not get to the other side of my property by sunset."
The young man shot back quickly: "Oh ye, I know what you mean. I used to own a FORD truck too!"

[Crawdaddy]

Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven.


That's a good one, I like it! :rofl::lol:

[Steve]

We used to have a spot for humor, it got little traffic. Probably in the games and contests area we could rename it and use it for off-topic stuff like games, humor, contests, etc.

[garagegoon]

A motorist runs a red light and is photographed by an automated police camera. In the mail a short time later, he receives a photo of his car committing the infraction and a citation for $60. Instead of paying the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three 20-dollar bills. Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department. Inside is a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.
:happy:

[04sierracrewcab]

:happy: A Texan man was talking big in a bar one night about how much money he had, how many women he had been with, and how much land he owned.
A young man growing tired of all the big talk finally asked the Texan; "Just how much land do you own?"
The Texan tipped back he's Cowboy hat and said to the young man: "Well sunny let me put it to you like this, I can get into my pickup at sunrise, drive all day long, skip lunch, and still not get to the other side of my property by sunset."
The young man shot back quickly: "Oh ye, I know what you mean. I used to own a FORD truck too!"
hahah that is a good one! :rofl:

And no need to stop!!

[garagegoon]

http://www.loadedtruck.com/truckpics/truck72.jpg

[Doberman]

What's the definition of mixed emotions?.......your mother in law borrows your brand new ride and drives it...
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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...off a cliff :gasp:

[Springthing]

"As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning: "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"

[Crawdaddy]

I'm moving this into the (new) joke area... However, keep them up, they're great!:lol:

[garagegoon]

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"


http://www.digitalpowered.info/gadget/img/jokes.jpg

[Heineken]

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

" I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[Heineken]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.



A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'



Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.



Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'



The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,



'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely................





A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? http://www.dieselplace.com/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif

[Heineken]

At PennStateUniversity, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to PennState until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire? _________ http://www.dieselplace.com/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif

[Heineken]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael
said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying,
"That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am
sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table."


And how about you, little Johnnie, can you show us your good manners?
Johnnie said, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce
you to after dinner." http://www.dieselplace.com/forum/images/smilies/naughty.gif

[Heineken]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a
good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." http://www.dieselplace.com/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif

[Heineken]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated "by
check, I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend http://www.dieselplace.com/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.dieselplace.com/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.dieselplace.com/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[cascott325]

joke courtesy of bob and tom...

Four women were playing golf.
The first teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men.
One of the men immediately grabbed his crotch and fell to the ground in agony. The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help," she begged.
"I'm a professional physiotherapist, and I can quickly relieve your pain."
"No, I'll be okay, just give me a minute,"
he said, as he rolled on the ground in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands over his crotch.
The woman persisted and insisted she could help, so the man finally agreed.
She gently took his hands away from his crotch.
Then, she loosened his pants and began to gently massage his privates.
"Does that feel better?" she asked.
"It feels great," he said, "but i still think my thumb is broke."

[Heineken]

A little boy was in the living room playing with his toy train. While his mother was in the kitchen, she could hear her son say " all you Mother #%$@& that are getting off, get the $%^# off, all you Mother #%$@& that are staying, sit you A$$es down and stay out of the way." Needless to say his mother was shocked. She marched right into the living room, snached her son up, and told him to go to his room for three hours. During that time, he was to think about what he did wrong and was not to come out untill he learned to play nicer. After the three hours, the boy returns to the living room and resumes paying with his train. Then his mother hears him say" Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for traveling with Jimmy's Train Service. We would like to remind our departing passengers to remember to check their baggage very carefully as it may have shifted during the trip." His mother began to smile as she hears her son continue; "and for all of our arriving passengers that are upset anbout the three hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen!"

[BigdaddyGB]

the other day I felt really safe going out with my wife and mother-in-law for dinner. I was in the back anbd they were both up front.

First time in 15 years my car has had duel airbags :-D

[BigdaddyGB]

wait wait i got another one....

[BigdaddyGB]

A white guy walks into the office... looks at his african american co-worker and says... Hey... TGIF...

The co-worker looks back scratches his head and says.... S.h.i.t

The white guy looks back scratches his head and smiles again and says... naaa man TGIF..

The co-worker shakes his head and again says .. S.h.i.t

They white guy says man you just don't get it... TGIF... thank god it's friday..

The coworker says no man you don't get it.. S.h.i.t. stupid honky it's thursday...!!

ROFLMAO....


p.s. i'm a white guy by the way...and it's still funny

[dalkoga61]

:neutral:
Two little boys go into the corner drugstore, proceed to the counter with a box of Tampons. Man behind counter asks the oldest "Son, why in the world are you buying these?" Older boy says "Well, sir, it says on the box that with these you can swim and ride a bicycle. My little brother can't do either one."

[Doberman]

Ok! it's not a joke, but it is one heck of a funny video YouTube - Men Multitasking I think Monty Python or Benny Hill did something similar

[blueZ71]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

[vncj96]

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into
his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his
hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.
'Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks....flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[bry2500]

the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
>
the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy
she w ill have to leave and return to her seat.
>
the blonde replies, 'i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right her e.'
>
the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
>
>
the pilot says, 'you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.'
>
he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, 'oh, i'm sorry.' and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..
>
the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
>
'i told her, 'first class isn't going to toronto!

[06piney]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
No one answered.

''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

[cdvntx]

George and his buddy Fred left early Saturday morning to play a round of golf. After kissing his wife good bye, George said he would be home by dinner.
9:30 that evening, George gets home with his wife sitting at the dinner table. Where have you been? she asked. Well, it started out we had a flat on the way to the golf course. Then there was an accident on the freeway. When we got to the golf course, we were an hour late. An hour late! she said. That doesn't explain why you are over 4 hours late getting home. That wasn't all, George said, when we got to the sixth hole, Fred had a heart attack. So it was hit the ball, drag Fred. Hit the ball, drag Fred...

[cdvntx]

A guy turned 50 and his wife suggested he go to the doctor and have a check up. He makes his appointment and goes to the doctor. The physician is wrapping up his physical and hands the guy 3 specimen jars. The guy looks at them and asks what they are for. The doctor said he needs a stool, urine and semen sample. The guy looks at the little jars and looks at the doc and takes his underwear off and says. "Here just use these."