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Thread: Jokes

  1. #11

    Default

    What's the definition of mixed emotions?.......your mother in law borrows your brand new ride and drives it...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    ...off a cliff
    "ROCK YOUR RIDE"

  2. #12
    Legend

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    "As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning: "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
    "Yep, that's him," came the reply.
    The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
    "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
    Steven



    "The Sarge"
    1999 Chevy Suburban LT- K2500
    7.4 454 Vortec, 4WD
    305/70/16 on Eagle Alloy




  3. #13

    Default

    I'm moving this into the (new) joke area... However, keep them up, they're great!
    Christopher

    1991 Chevy Suburban 1/2 ton 2WD w/ chevy SBC 350-3/4 ton drivetrain upgrade w/4.10 gears 200K miles
    2005 Saturn ION-2 Stock 265K miles
    1982 Bronco, 1993 Bronco (sold), 1971 M35A2 Deuce and a Half



    There are 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary, and those who dont...

    Remember kids, the only difference between screwing around and science is writing it down- Adam Savage

  4. #14

    Default The best bar in the world...

    A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
    They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

    Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

    The others agree that sounds like a good place.

    Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

    Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

    Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

    "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

    "No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"








  5. #15
    Sr. Apprentice Heineken's Avatar
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    A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

    The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

    "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

    " I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

    The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

    They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

    "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

    "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
    Heineken

    2008 Tahoe LTZ White Diamond (Loaded)
    2003 2500HD Ext Cab DuraMAX
    2002 Civic (Momma's)
    1997 Jetta Trek
    1986 BMW 325 (e)

    At least the bottom three are paid for :lol:

  6. #16
    Sr. Apprentice Heineken's Avatar
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    Default

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.



    A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'




    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'



    Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.



    Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'



    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,



    'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely................





    A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
    Heineken

    2008 Tahoe LTZ White Diamond (Loaded)
    2003 2500HD Ext Cab DuraMAX
    2002 Civic (Momma's)
    1997 Jetta Trek
    1986 BMW 325 (e)

    At least the bottom three are paid for :lol:

  7. #17
    Sr. Apprentice Heineken's Avatar
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    Default

    At PennStateUniversity, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to PennState until early Monday morning.

    Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

    The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

    For 95 points: Which tire? _________
    Heineken

    2008 Tahoe LTZ White Diamond (Loaded)
    2003 2500HD Ext Cab DuraMAX
    2002 Civic (Momma's)
    1997 Jetta Trek
    1986 BMW 325 (e)

    At least the bottom three are paid for :lol:

  8. #18
    Sr. Apprentice Heineken's Avatar
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    Default

    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
    asked her students the following question:



    "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
    how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael
    said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying,
    "That would be rude and impolite."

    "What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am
    sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
    "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
    the dinner table."


    And how about you, little Johnnie, can you show us your good manners?
    Johnnie said, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
    shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce
    you to after dinner."
    Heineken

    2008 Tahoe LTZ White Diamond (Loaded)
    2003 2500HD Ext Cab DuraMAX
    2002 Civic (Momma's)
    1997 Jetta Trek
    1986 BMW 325 (e)

    At least the bottom three are paid for :lol:

  9. #19
    Sr. Apprentice Heineken's Avatar
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    Default

    I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a
    good one.
    And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

    "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
    Heineken

    2008 Tahoe LTZ White Diamond (Loaded)
    2003 2500HD Ext Cab DuraMAX
    2002 Civic (Momma's)
    1997 Jetta Trek
    1986 BMW 325 (e)

    At least the bottom three are paid for :lol:

  10. #20
    Sr. Apprentice Heineken's Avatar
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    Default

    An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday
    evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he
    was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
    The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
    another ring over.
    "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
    excitement.
    The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated "by
    check, I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
    now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
    the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
    Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
    "There's no money in that account."
    "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend
    Heineken

    2008 Tahoe LTZ White Diamond (Loaded)
    2003 2500HD Ext Cab DuraMAX
    2002 Civic (Momma's)
    1997 Jetta Trek
    1986 BMW 325 (e)

    At least the bottom three are paid for :lol:

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