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Thread: Tazer Fun
05-11-2007, 07:46 AM #1
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled).
I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant
with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good
idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it
buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny
lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for
the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm
pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position.
Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with
a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing
as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're
not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh
like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather
large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so
myself. Miss 'em. I sure would like to get 'em back.1990 Chevy Suburban (4WD)
05-11-2007, 11:18 AM #2
Read that one before. But it's still just as funny reading it again.Patrick
05-11-2007, 12:34 PM #3
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05-11-2007, 12:54 PM #4
This story is killing mePeter Smet
05-11-2007, 06:05 PM #5
Semi-sane? Wow! that's the best thing anybody said about me all day.
05-11-2007, 06:08 PM #6
I think I have another story about a couple of guys in Salt lake City and a gerbil, but I don't know if it would be appropriate for this forum.
05-11-2007, 06:14 PM #7
on the same topic do not try out the electric dog collars. I know you all want to but trust me...dont.......soberDan
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05-11-2007, 08:01 PM #8
I always thought you weren’t right, now I know I was right.
You really should have that line, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Put on your tome stone.
Thanks I needed a good laugh at someone else besides me.
Technology is great, when it Works,
And one Big Pain in the Ass When it Doesn’t.
Detroit Iron Rules, All the Rest are Just Toys.
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See a Pattern yet?
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