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06-14-2012, 11:47 AM #1
Divorced? When did you know it was over?
Hey guys, Don't mean to bring bad memories out or anything but I need some real help. My wife and i have been at it for a few weeks now. We have been married now for 3yrs together for 4. lately it seems everything just turns into an argument. It's a fifty fifty on who starts it, I know its not just me nor is it just her. I know that it takes two people to argue, Lately everything has just been building up. Ive been outta the corps now and going to school for two yrs now. Im also a stay at home father, I had a part time job which I was laid off from. and money has been real tight, I also am suppose to start a new job this week but due to my background check not clearing yet its been pushed back to july 1st before I start, on top of which my school messed up with my transcripts and so instead of graduating in Sept, It wont be for another 6 months. Our biggest fight also happened yesterday, all this in one day made for possibly the worst day Ive had yet, Not to mention I got rear ended and a stop light just to top things off. I love my wife and still am deeply in love with her. Its just as though there is no longer that spark there, and I feel as if she has just givin up. We have a 2yr old daughter together and sometimes I wonder if she is the only thing keeping us together....Im sorry for ranting and raving, and Im not looking for a lecture, just advice. I keep trying to get us to do things that we use to and it just seems like Im the only one trying to keep our marriage alive. I know there are always two sides to a story and Ive tried to keep this unbiased as possible, and Im not saying that are failing marriage is due to her, its both our faults and I know that. But ive been honest and here I have laid it out. Now let me have it, I know there some old guys out there that have been married for 30 plus yrs, whats the secret, have yall gone through a sump like this, how did you fix it, Is it really over????
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06-14-2012, 12:00 PM #2
I'm actually going through a divorce at the moment, but it was a marriage that never should have happened based on nothing but lies and deception on her part. After four months of her not being able to change me into what she wanted me to be, she changed herself into someone I couldn't be with and the first time she hit me and i came back to on top of her with a fist reared back.. stopped myself and added the oh-so-lovely dent on my gas cap on Truck Norris.. I knew it was over.
I don't really have much advice to give, as this was my first and probably last marriage and being fairly young... But my mother and stepfather have been together 20 years now as of yesterday... and they've had their fair share of fights and arguments. Don't give up hope. Everyone has hard times and slumps in their lives, consider it a test of the vows you took 3 years ago standing at the altar with her. If things that y'all did before when everything was copesthetic aren't working, try new ways.
Simple and subtle surprises can go far with women from my experiences.
Have you tried sitting down with her (alone together without your lil one) and talking about how things have been for y'all lately?
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06-14-2012, 12:11 PM #3
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Hey man I feel you. The wife and I have our ups and downs - some caused by me and some caused by her - and I got some great counsel from some people that I trust and they told me to swallow my pride and try to work through things. I got a book from this dude named Wayne Mack and it's a Christian based book called Strengthening Your Marriage (I linked it to Amazon), but you can pretty much read the sections on communication and understanding what women want and what men want and that alone helped me out like 500% in one day. What I like best is the book is written in bullet-points (like an outline form) so it's super fast to read through and it got me to understand how to help right-the-ship so we could move forward and we've been together over 10 years now with three kids.
Funny, money problems are like the #1 cause for divorce. For the most part, women want security (enough money to live on, a decent house, reliable transportation, etc) and men want to provide (earn an income, or take time off to get better trained/educated . What sucks even worse is the sheer number of unemployed vets that are having a hard time getting work!!! That just ticks me off to no end.
Anyhow, if you want to try to work things out that's my suggestion.
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06-14-2012, 01:04 PM #4
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I've been married 24 years, this time, the first marriage we lived together 2 years but were legally married 4.
Some of the best things I brought from my first marriage to my second were knowledge and my daughter.
First we all know everyone isnt completely truthful all the time, but at this time it's very important both of you are completely truthful with each other all the time, even lieing by omission can have repercussions right now.
One of the best things about the military my present wife and I always felt was the separation, it made us appreciate each other much more, we didnt like being separated but we always strengthened our bond by it.
Never say something you dont mean, even simple things during an arguement hurt and form a wedge, sometimes the stupidiest remark is the hardest one to get over, they leave lasting marks on the inside.
Never stay together because of the kids, if a break-up is meant to happen let it take it's course, staying together for the kids sake almost always makes them miserable because grown-ups dont do as well hiding problems as they think they do.
Maybe it's time to sit down and have a true discussion, no arguements, no accusations about what did or didnt get done, just discuss why you were together in the first place and see if theres anything still left there or your chasing something that doesnt exisxt anymore. A little time apart, to think and assess.
06-14-2012, 07:37 PM #5
It's over when one or both of the individuals aren't interested in trying to make it work, anymore. You can't make someone want to try ... and if there's no interest in doing so then it's as good as done.
06-14-2012, 07:50 PM #6
Everybody goes through a slump, and the four year mark was a hard one for me. We usually get to complacent with each other and that's when we start to neglect each other. That on top of money problems are a nasty combination. Stay strong, choose your battles wisely, and if you love her don't give up. Good luck.
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06-14-2012, 07:59 PM #7
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Im on my 2nd marriage now. My first wife didnt work, slept around, spent my money and ruined my credit. Now that Im older, I understand somethings better. Here are a few pointers that I have learned:
1) NEVER......and I mean NEVER go to bed mad. No matter how heated of a fight, forget it, kiss each other goodnight and give each other a hug. You both may still love each other but act like you dont at the moment. You never know if you may not wake up to see the other in the morning. Then how would you feel?
2) Talk about what brought you together. Was it her sexy smile? Bedroom eyes? Her sense of humor? Etc etc etc....ask her if she remembers the first time you all met? Ask her what sparked her attention to you. Tell her what sparked your attention to her.
3) Tell her she's sexy no matter what. Make-up or not! Tell her you want to bring a spark back to her eyes. Just look over at her and make a nice random comment about (that you love her, you think she is sexy, how good dinner was
4) SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE and let her win. I know its not easy.....BUT DO IT! Every relationship has a give and take. You give a little.....she should too!
5) Take her out to dinner WITHOUT the lil one! A nice dinner out for the two of you to just try to catch up on why your together. Go get ice cream after and act like kids.
If its possible, put school on hold and get a job to show her you want to provide for her. Some women dont like the stay at home daddy deal whether they admit it or not. I dont know of many women that want to support a guy. Sorry.....just the way it is! Good luck to you and hope it works out. If its meant to be....It will be. Every married couple goes thru ups and downs. Some are more downs than ups but you hope for the best.
REMEMBER.......you said vows before God! Keep God in your marriage and pray that God shows you the right path.
06-14-2012, 08:35 PM #8
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What you are referring to is commonly known as "The Seven Year Itch". It is not necessarily the end of a relationship (although it certainly CAN be). Either way, it can be a really tough time to get through. Think about the time when you first started dating each other. You were busy trying to impress each other. I remember not wanting to use the bathroom at my then girl friends apartment. I would find some excuse to drive all the way back home to take care of things like that. I brushed my teeth 17 times a day. There was flirting, dating, random phone calls, flowers and generally a great attempt to impress her. Sound familiar?
Over time, relationships normalize. The dating slows down and even stops. the phone calls turn from "I was just thinking about you" to "Can you pick me up a pack of smokes on the way home." At first, the calls are welcome distractions. Over time, they become annoying and even bothersome. The dates give way to the TV, Internet, video games... Whatever. One of the biggest things to fight about (especially in times of a poor economy) is money. Men tend to end the pursuit once they catch the woman. Women like to be pursued.
Another wedge is children. As odd as that seems, children, especially two year old children take a LOT of attention away from the parents. This is also normal. It is easy to ignore a nagging spouse and pick up the baby. They require LOADS of attention. you mentioned that you have a two-year-old. I do too, as well as a one and a seven year old. Play with the child together. Play games with the baby that involves BOTH mom and dad. Make it a good family time for everyone. This way, nobody feels left out.
This is oftentimes why couples who have a baby to bring them closer together ultimately split in most cases. If the root of the problem is time for each other, then bringing a totally dependent life into the fold is going to irritate and compound the issues. NOW, you are paying LESS attention to each other.
In the world of radio broadcasting, when a DJ gets burned out trying to produce an entertaining program, we would tell them to go back to the basics and re-discover their talent from there. So, what you need to do is to go back to the basics. What was it that you did in the beginning to get her attention? Do it again. Don't lay it on so thick that her BS meter trips into the red zone, though, and it has to be real. The two of you should talk to each other... and listen to each other. Neither of you are at fault more than the other for allowing the marriage to come to this point. It just happens. Nothing is new forever!
Being a car guy, I use the new car metaphor for this situation, because it really fits here. Think about your truck. When you got it, you probably waxed it, shined it and generally loved it. Over time, you start to notice dings, scratches, cigarette burns or worn places on the upholstery. If you do nothing to correct these problems as they arise, eventually you will look upon it as beyond reasonable repair.
you have to apply a good coat of wax to your wife, park her in a nice garage and treat her like you want to keep her forever, and she has to do the same for you. Just like you wipe off your wrenches before putting them back into the tool box, you have to show your partner the same level of respect. I know, wives don't sleep in the garage, and they are not tools to put into a drawer. Learn (if nothing else, to give off the APPEARANCE that you are) listening to her. yes, spouses blather on at times about things that are of no interest to the other, but they want to be heard. Whatever she says to you, paraphrase it and say it back to her. For example, if she tells you "Every time I try to talk to you, you have your nose in the TV.", you re-process that and say "So you feel like I am not listening because I am more interested in what is on TV.". She at the bare minimum needs to know that you are at least hearing what she is saying. Careful though, don't become a parrot or she will see through it and you will be in deep crap.
At this point, I would encourage you to take the time to rediscover what it was that brought the two of you together in the first place. You HAVE to go out with each other. I know that time and money can be tight, but you MUST share the time together because "Relationships are built on shared experiences". If you stop sharing experiences, then the relationship will drift into two totally different directions.
I had severe problems in my marriage just 3 short years ago. You might use the term crisis. We were just about to go our separate ways. It was over. By applying the advice I have given here, we have turned it all around and are closer than we have ever been. Think of the sparks in your relationship like a cigarette lighter. In order for there to be sparks, someone has to be turning the little wheel. If nobody is turning it, there will be no sparks. So get off of here and go flick the wheel. It can be difficult to get an old waterlogged and rusty lighter to come back to life again, but trust me when I tell you that it can be done!
Also, there is a guy named Mort Fertel who offers a free newsletter to help you in these times of need. He offers audio books as well, which I bouoght. I would suggest that you avoid buying those because they are incredibly boring. The information is good, but he drones on and on for 6 CDs that he could have fit onto one CD, had he picked up the pace to a normal level. You can find him at http://www.marriagemax.com/. Another resource you can use (and you are on this early enough to make it back out with your wife and marriage intact) is http://www.talkabouotmarriage.com. It is a community forum just like this one where you will find that you are not in an uncommon situation. If you dig deep enough, you will find my story. A story of betrayal and anguish that has rebounded back over the last few years. I also wrote several articles over there that I hope have been of help to people.
What you have is a classic case of boredom. The two of you are growing bored of the monotony of the day to day motions that you are going through from wake the time you get up until the time you go to bed. ALL marriages can be saved if at least ONE of the participants is willing to apply some simple and natural methods. Good luck to you and I really hope that you are able to get onto the right track. Please let me know if I can be of any help to you and let us know how you are getting on.
Last edited by moogvo; 06-14-2012 at 08:56 PM."It went together didn't it? Well then there has to be a way to take it apart!" - Me.
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06-14-2012, 09:22 PM #9
Agree 100% with @moogvo about a two year-old. They are learning to be independent and things are changing rapidly for them at that age. It makes it real hard on the parents, as me and my wife learned. We are not the perfect couple and argue a lot more than I would like, especially in front of my daughter. But, we find a way to get past the little arguments. It sounds like you need to make time for each other. If you have a babysitter or someone who can take your daughter for a few hours so you two can reconnect it can make a big difference. Good luck to you, and keep us updated. Hopefully you learn a thing or two to teach us, regardless of the outcome. Only you and your wife can decide what's right for you.2009 GMC Sierra 5.3L running on E85
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06-14-2012, 10:37 PM #10
its can be tough man. me and the wife almost called it quits before we got married. its been said already, but the best thing you can really do is talk aobut whats going on. part of the reason we were having issues was because i was working upwards of 70 hours a week for almost 4 months straight, I wasnt home much, she didnt know what was going on, i didnt know what was up with her, and so on.
sometimes it is just over, but do everything you can to make it work.
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