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07-02-2012, 07:53 PM #71
- Join Date
- May 2012
What do you get when a dyslexic Agnostic has insomnia? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog!
07-02-2012, 09:11 PM #72
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who broke wind. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
07-02-2012, 11:58 PM #73
Three nurses were walking along the beach when they found a lamp. As they dusted the lamp off, a genie appeared and said; "Thank you for freeing me, for this I will grant each of you one wish."
The first nurse replied, "Make me 10 times smarter so I can be the best nurse around!"
The genie put his hand to his head and replied, "Done."
The second nurse said, "Make me 100 times smarter so I can give the greatest patient care ever!"
The genie concentrated and replied, "Done."
The third nurse, not to be out done said, "Make me 1,000 times smarter than ANY nurse on the planet!"
The genie, looking confused replied, "Are you sure you want to be a paramedic?"
07-03-2012, 05:44 AM #74The Dumb MechanicWhen my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side.'2002 Chevy Tahoe 4x4
2003 Chevy Silverado 4x4
07-03-2012, 06:10 AM #75
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?Pavement sucks... :grrrrrr:
1994 K1500 4x4 Ext. Cab
PCM chip and Xenon 8000k bulbs
350cu.in bored over .050"
balanced Crank, 10:1 compression
Flat top pistons,cam,ported heads
Option Racing Cold Air Intake
Holley Throttle Body Spacer
Accell Igition, 45kv coil
FloTech Headers, no CATs, dual exhuast
Goodyear Silent Armor A/T 305/70-16
Pioneer SupertunerIII CD USB Bluetooth
Kicker ZX200.2 ZX Amp
Kicker Audio COMP 10" Subwoofer
07-03-2012, 07:11 AM #76
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
07-03-2012, 07:20 AM #77
A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip
Club for his birthday ... At The Club, The
Doorman Says, ' Hi Jim, How are You? '
The wife asks, ' How does he know you?
Jim says, 'Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the Bartender Says, 'The Usual,
Jim says to Wife, ' Before you say anything,
He's on the Darts Team."
Next a stripper Says, ' Hi Jim! Do You Crave
the Special Again?? '
The Wife storms oul dragging Jim with her &
jumps into a taxi...
The Taxi driver Says, ' Hey Jimmy Boy! You
picked up an ugly one this time .... '
Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!Tim Walters (Curky)
Wrangler AT/S 265/70R17 - Trail-FX window vents - Husky fitted splash guards - Silver Star zXe - Leveling kit -
07-03-2012, 12:07 PM #78
- Join Date
- Jan 2007
So two pretzels are walking down a dark alley......one was a salted
07-03-2012, 01:36 PM #79
"The joke must be tasteful, PG-13 or less, not related to politics, race or religion or otherwise violate the rules of this website."
Who is to be the judge for meeting this criteria?
07-03-2012, 01:37 PM #80
Do you ever think there has been an increase in bank memberships because people thought they said "free chicken"?
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