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06-19-2012, 11:59 AM #11
06-19-2012, 12:39 PM #12
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside of Washington, D.C. Nothing is moving. Unexpectedly, a man on foot knocks on the driver's window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
The man on foot replies, "Terrorists have locked all of Congress inside the Capital Building and they're demanding a 100 million dollar ransom. If the government fails to pay, the terrorists claim they will douse their hostages in gasoline and set them all on fire. Some of us are going from car-to-car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man on foot replies, "Roughly a gallon."
06-19-2012, 01:03 PM #13
WHY ARE THERE SIDEWALKS BESIDE MOST STREETS AND HIWAYS?
So Ford owners have a safe place to walk home.Tim Walters (Curky)
Wrangler AT/S 265/70R17 - Trail-FX window vents - Husky fitted splash guards - Silver Star zXe - Leveling kit -
06-19-2012, 04:03 PM #14
A priest, a thief and an engineer are all slated to be executed by guillotine. The priest is to be dispatched first and the executioner asks him:
“How do you want to face on the guillotine?”
The priest responds:
“With my face up, looking toward heaven.”
The executioner accedes and the priest is laid face up on the guillotine. The executioner pulls the cord; the blade drops, and then miraculously stops within mere inches of the priest’s neck. The gathered witnesses gasp in astonishment. Everybody agrees that it is a miracle and sign of divine intervention and the priest’s life is spared.
The thief is next. When the executioner asks how he’d like to be positioned the thief responds:
“With my face up, looking toward heaven.”
The executioner complies, and the thief is laid down face up. The cord is pulled. The blade falls, and, as
with the priest the blade stops inches from the thief’s neck. Again the witnesses gasp. They can understand
a miracle occurring with the priest but with a thief! Nonetheless, they take it as a sign from God, and release
Finally, it’s the engineer’s turn. Like the other two he wishes to be executed face up, looking toward heaven. The executioner lays him down, but before he can pull the cord the engineer yells out:
The executioner pauses, and the engineer, looking up at the guillotine says, “I think I see the problem.”
If at first you don't succeed, get a bigger cheater bar.
1999 GMC Sierra SLT Z71 | 5.3 "Vortec" | Spectre "Cold Air Intake" | TransDapt TBS | Hypertech 30005 Tune | 2005 Chevy Tail Lights | Denali headlights | Grill Mounted Fog Lights | AWS Bug Shield | 265/70/16 Futura Scramblers | Boss HD Speakers | 2005 Overhead Console | Flowmaster Super 40 mufflers 2N1O | Mostly stock-ish
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CVN-69 "IKE-ATRAZ" AIR/V-2 Gear Dawgs
06-19-2012, 04:06 PM #15
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...
and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
06-19-2012, 04:07 PM #16
One day, a Catholic priest, Al Gore, of course the pilot, and a boy scout were on a plane. A little while into their flight, the pilot came to the back and said, "Look I got some bad news, we're going down. And worse I only got 3 parachutes. But since I'm the pilot and I'm important, I'm taking one and jumping", so he took one and jumped. Al Gore said, "Well I'm the world's smartest man, I'm very important, so he jumped too." The priest looked at the boy scout and said, "Son, I've devoted my life to the Lord and served him well, I'm about ready to meet him, so you take the last parachute and don't worry about me." The boy scout looked up at the priest and said, "Don't worry Padre, we can both jump, the 'world's smartest man' just took off with my knapsack."
06-19-2012, 05:31 PM #17
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
2012 Silverado 1500 LS Crew Cab 4.8L 4x4
- Nitto Tera Grapler 265/70R17, Line-X bed liner, Black Bowties, Stampede front deflector, DeeZee black diamond plate bed rails, TonnoPro Lo-roll cover, Antenna deleted, Spyder Projection Headlights with Phillips CrystalVision Ultra bulbs, Spyder Tail Lights & 3rd Brake Light, Rough Country leveling kit, PlastiDip'd emblems, and wheel hubs, Diablosport Trinity, 20% tint, Black OEM grill
"Coming through in a new Chevy, droppin' game like it's too heavy."
06-19-2012, 06:10 PM #18
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Two University students spend the night before their exams partying and living up their final days of school. The next day they wake up from their hangover and discover that they're over an hour late for their English exam, in a panic they rush to class in one car and plan to tell their professor that they had a flat tire. When they arrive the Professor is watching over the class and sternly lectures the students about being prepared, they tell him of the flat tire and he agrees that would be an acceptable solution. Asking one student to take a seat at the back and the other a seat at the front he takes a pen and two sheets of paper from his desk, quickly scribes out the exam question hands one to the student in the front and one to the back, each of them starting to relax as they settle in, until they turn over their test to the question. "Which Tire?"
06-19-2012, 06:17 PM #19
One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop. The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?" The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere." The cop replied "You retard that's your air freshener."
06-19-2012, 07:11 PM #20
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
- Center, TX
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says ,"Ughh, That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her ,"The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go up there and tell him off. Go on I'll hold your monkey for you."
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