History of boobs 1.6 million B.C.-The development of human breasts is necessitated by evolution. Evolution clearly knows what it's doing. 30 BC- Hot Egyptian ruler Cleopatra is bitten in the boob by an asp. Long line forms to suck out the venom. 1680- Intoxicated, vision-impaired pirates inadvertently discover nipple piercing. 1776- This year marks the first recorded use of the term "booby hatch" for an insane asylum. What this has to do with boobs we have no idea, but we do not discriminate when it comes to boobs. 1839- The first Mardi Gras parade takes place in New Orleans, consisting of one float, some cheap beads, and innumerable bare bosoms. 1885- The Statue of Liberty arrives in New York Harbor possessing the largest boobs seen in America up to that point. 1917- The T-shirt finds widespread acceptance. Oddly, wet T-shirt contests don't catch on until the latter part of the century. 1922- The Maidenform company is founded, starting the convention of naming cup sizes A through D. The practice of "bra stuffing" quickly renders this measurement system meaningless. 1929- The Grand Tetons are named by French trappers. Grand Tetons means "big boobs." It's the last time in history the French showed good judgment. 1937- The Hindenburg bursts into flames and crashes. Historians note that, in retrospect, the Hindenburg looked a lot like a giant, floating boob. 1941- Duct tape is created to keep moisture out of military ammunition cases during World War II. In time, it is used to create the illusion of more cleavage, mostly by beauty pageant contestants. 1943- Howard Hughes designs cantilevered bra for Jane Russell to wear in "The Outlaw." Giant boobs have been involved in making movies ever since. 1946- Dolly Parton is born in Locust Ridge, Tennessee. Big boob jokes go mainstream. 1953- The first issue of "Playboy" hits newsstands, offering the world a wide variety of boobs. That is, if you consider "big" and "airbrushed" the same thing as "a wide variety." 1962- The first breast augmentation surgery is performed. Deemed to be first undeniable proof there is a God. 1963- Bra burning becomes a symbol of the women's liberation movement. Unleashed hooters somehow make the women's liberation movement less annoying. 1976- Farrah Fawcett-Majors poses for a poster in her swimsuit, inspiring bad hairstyles, anorexia and palm callouses around the globe. 1977- "Three's Company" debuts. Suzanne Somers' nipples become first celebrity body parts in history to demand their own publicist. 1982- Phoebe Cates removes her bathing suit top in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." The price of Kleenex stock surges. 1983- The Hooters restaurant chain is launched, making lecherous ogling a "family-friendly" activity. 1990- Madonna dons a conical bra for her "Blond Ambition" tour, accomplishing the impossible. She manages to make boobs boring. 1992- Pamela Anderson debuts on "Baywatch." Boobs reach an unprecedented level of popularity. 1994- The Wonderbra takes the fashion world by storm. Women's rights activists present passionate arguments asserting the bra encourages men to objectify women. Men are so distracted, all they hear is "blah, blah, blah." 1995- "Seinfeld" episode airs featuring the "Bro," a bra for men. Inexplicably, John Madden, Pavarotti and Marlon Brando are unavailable for comment. 1996- The video game "Tomb Raider" debuts, featuring top-heavy adventurer Lara Croft. Gives a whole new meaning to the term "handling one's joystick." 1997- In the popular "Austin Powers" movie, Fembots use breasts as weapons. In actuality, women have been doing this since 1.6 million BC 1998- A Florida man sues a strip club claiming exotic dancer Tawny Peaks' 60-inch HHH bosom caused him to suffer whiplash. Defense lawyers are paid with a large stack of one dollar bills reeking of cheap perfume. 1999- Pamela Anderson has her 36DD breast implants removed, returning her to a 36C. The male population of the planet collectively utters, "Whuh?" 2003- A Brazilian woman is shot during a confrontation between police and drug dealers and is saved by her silicone breast implants. Implants are no longer just visually appealing, but are also a "personal safety measure." 2003- With his delusional antics, the Iraqi Information Minister puts Lady Liberty to shame and becomes the biggest boob anyone's ever seen. 2004- Janet Jackson suffers a "wardrobe malfunction" at Super Bowl XXXVIII. America has yet to fully recover from the "fallout."